


Suddenly "I hate you" sounds like a confession.

by thephilosophah



Series: old fics i never got around to posting [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, Fights, Humanstuck, Multi, Violence, humanstuck kismesissitude, minor solfef
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 03:32:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13332588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephilosophah/pseuds/thephilosophah
Summary: there was this prompt, both characters reach for the last of the same candy, and my first thought was ah yes, kismesissitude. of course. so here's how i imagine black romance works out in a human verse





	Suddenly "I hate you" sounds like a confession.

Aradia was _dying._

(Metaphorically speaking.)

She could kill _a grown man right about now._

(Mostly metaphorically speaking.)

It had been a long week and there was still more to come, considering it was only Thursday. Aradia was so _done_ with this week. She just wished she could make time go faster to get it over with. Or, failing that, she’d like to pause time so she can relax for a few hours.

But no. No, the world was as shitty as it had been on Monday and on Tuesday and on Wednesday and it would continue being as shitty for the rest of the week and the next week and the week after that.

Fuck everything.

Aradia felt like screaming, but instead she decided to eat some candy, take a hot shower and continue her work on her laptop while nuzzling under a dozen blankets.

That plan came to a halt when she realized she didn’t have any candy lying around.

But that’s okay; Aradia was a clever and adoptive girl, so she thought “fuck it”, decided to replace her shower with a walk, put her hair in a bun and walked outside. The chilly air bit at her cheeks and nose and neck and she dug her fists a little deeper into her pockets.

“Fuck winter right in the ass”, she found herself muttering as she took a left turn. She picked up her pace, hoping to both warm herself and remain in the cold as little time as possible.

She walked in the store and headed straight for the candy aisle. She was feeling... marshmallows. Yes. She needed marshmallows to go on with her life right now. She bounced on her feet as she scanned the aisle around her. Okay, person there, chocolates there, ah, there we go.

Wait, no. There was only one bag of marshmallows left.

And some _guy_ was taking it.

Mostly metaphorically, she jumped at him.

“Uhm, could I have that?” she said, digging for her ‘nice’ voice and doing her best to maintain eye contact without letting the candy in his hand out of her field of vision. He looked down on her, holding his chin up.

“Excuse me?” _You heard me the first time, asshole._

“I was wondering if you could possibly let me have that bag of marshmallows? It’s kinda really important to me.”

“I can’t see why”, he said, stuttering ever-so-subtly at the ‘why’. Aradia tried not to roll her eyes and sigh in exasperation.

“I don’t see why you would have to”, she responded. “Look, I’m trying to ask nicely, but I really want those marshmallows and I might be willing to become violent right now. Give me the bag and neither of us will have to deal with each other anymore.” She extended a hand.

“Is that your attempt at a threat? It’s pathetic”, he responded and turned halfway so the bag was further away from her.

“Look, I could waste my time coming up with a good threat or I could be fighting you over candy or I could be doing some actually important stuff, but none of these things are happening right now, so I think it’s safe to say that this conversation is a waste of time. Give.” She nudged her hand to the bag again.

“How polite”, he rolled his eyes. “As much fun as it sounds to fight over a consumable, I’m gonna have to decline. It doesn’t sound like much of a” – he gave her an once-over, making sure to wordlessly point out how short she was – “fair play.”

“Oh you fucker”, she muttered under her breath. She made a move for the bag and he pulled it behind him.

He raised an eyebrow. “What was that? I didn’t quite catch it.” _That damn stutter._

“Let’s take this outside!”

He all but doubled over in mirth. She took this opportunity to grab a good fistful of his hair and pull his face close to hers.

“Outside”, she snarled.

“Well fuckin’ _fine.”_

He put the bag back in place and let Aradia drag him out. She rearranged her bun to make sure it was in place and took her earrings off – she wasn’t sure why she had been wearing them in the first place, but she knew that taking them off made her look more threatening. On the other hand, by the time her earrings were secure in her pocket, he had folded his glasses and let them hang out his own pocket, and was halfway through removing the numerous rings that decorated his fingers.

“Okay look, this would be a lot easier if you just gave me the candy”, she tried, irritated. “And there would be a lot less chances of you leaving with a bloody nose.”

“Ha”, he said. “Like you can even reach my nose.” He put his rings in his other pocket.

“I’d bet I can.” She put her arms in front of her and spread her legs apart a little further.

“How much would you bet?” he smirked. _Considering I want to punch the stutter out of your mouth, I’d bet a lot._

“How about winner takes the bag, loser pays for it?” She took half a step forward, trying to figure how to make him double over again because, let’s face it, she _couldn’t_ reach his nose. Not comfortably enough to break it, at least.

“Oh, it’s on.” He swung.

In retrospect, she should’ve anticipated the swelling. But at least he had a fair warning, and she _did_ try to call some sort of medic for his bloody nose. He just didn’t let her. He also terrified the cashier, what with the blood-soaked scarf he was pressing against his face as he paid for the dreaded candy and a bag of ice. He let Aradia have both, even though the cold outside was probably enough to keep the swelling of her jaw at bay.

She buried herself in blankets, pressed the ice bag against her jaw and opened the bag of marshmallows, happy at last to have let off some steam. She could concentrate a lot better.

She had a call by a friend a few days later. Interesting how that went.

“Hello?”

“HEY, Aradia, it’s me! How are you?”

“Oh, Feferi!” She stood up from her desk. “Hi! It’s been a while. I’m mostly okay, how about you?”

“I’m fintastic. What do you mean ‘mostly okay’?”

“Uugh, I’m snowed under work. It’s crazy. Plus, I got into a fight recently and got a nice swollen cheek out of it.” She put her butt on her desk and let her legs swing back and forth.

“What?! Seriously? Oh my god, are you okay?!”

“I’m fine, really. You should’ve seen the other guy.”

“Aradia, last time you said that, you had a twice broken arm. And you’d almost killed the guy.”

“It’s not like that!” She inspected her feet. “Really, there were only two good punches given, one mine, one his. He gave me a swollen cheek and I gave him a bleeding nose, so we’re good. No deaths or anything.”

“Whale, if you say so...”

“I do say so. I’m fine.”

“Alright... Funny you should mention that, actually, because Eridan got into a fight recently as well!”

“Eridan? Oh, that friend of yours? Right, how is he?”

“He, uh... He got a bloody nose.”

There was a long pause.

“He... wouldn’t happen to wear glasses, right?”

“He would.”

“Tall, lotsa rings, purple streak?”

“Mhm.”

“Blue eyes, stutter, scarf?”

“The scarf didn’t really survive the bloodbath, but he has a bunch of those, yeah.”

“Fuck.” Aradia facepalmed. “Holy fucking shit. That was Eridan?”

“I bet he was!”

“Well don’t sound so pleased about it!” She hopped off the desk. “I just punched your best friend right in the face!”

“Well he punched you back! Or was it you who punched him back? He didn’t really tell me.”

 _“I_ punched _him_ back. How the hell could I reach his face first? He’s a fucking giant.”

“He’s not that tall!” Aradia heard another voice from the Feferi’s end but she couldn’t make out the words. Feferi giggled before she continued. “It’s just that, you know... Whale, you’re the one who’s short!” The other voice laughed.

“Ha, ha. Is there someone there?”

“Oh, no-one important, don’t worry.”

Aradia narrowed her eyes at the wall, but otherwise did nothing to express her disbelief.

Next time she saw Eridan was no more than three days later. He stood at the candy aisle and, once again, there was only one bag of marshmallows left. Aradia eyed the man and the candy with suspicion.

She walked in as much silence as she could – which wasn’t much – towards the marshmallows. Eridan was standing close enough to be considered purposeful, but he was occupied with his phone so she guessed she could go unnoticed.

She didn’t.

He grabbed the bag before she could reach it and held it just high enough to be out of her reach. She growled as he kept typing away at his phone or whatever.

She wasn’t about to start jumping for some candy, she stretched up on her tiptoes and he responded by holding the bag higher. She returned to a neutral position, crossed her arms and glared at him.

Finally, _finally_ he pocketed his phone and brought the bag down to his chest. He raised an eyebrow.

“Come here often?”

“Oh my fucking God”, Aradia exclaimed, and walked straight to the edge of the aisle, grabbed some weird-looking candy and began to walk away.

“Funny, I wouldn’t take you for a quitter.”

She groaned loudly, rolled her head along with her eyes, and turned on her heels to look at him.

“What do you want?” she snarled. He didn’t reply. Apparently, he was expecting her to discover telepathy, because he made no move to express anything whatsoever.

“Aaauuugghh. Look, man, if your plan is to annoy me out of my mind you’re almost there. If not, then you’ve gotta be a little more specific about your intentions here because I can’t do shit unless you tell me shit.” He smirked.

“A lady shouldn’t talk like that.”

Why, that fucking...

Wait. Oh. Oh!

Oh, the little fucker. He was trying to make her mad enough to earn a reaction.

“A lady will do as she fucking well pleases”, she responded, smile edging on her face.

“I’d replace ‘as’ with ‘who’ and still make sense.”

“Are you going somewhere with this, mister stripes?”

“Is that the most imaginative thing you could come up with?”

“What, are you disappointed?”

“A little, yeah. I was expecting worse.”

She threw her head back for a brief moment. “Ugh, that fucking stutter, holy shit. Seriously, I thought I’d punched that shit out.”

“Well you tried”, he said, nose scrunching up just the tiniest bit in what seemed like a pain test. “Wouldn’t put it past you to try again.”

She raised an eyebrow and gave him an once-over. He couldn’t... could he?

“Is that a challenge?”

“Is that how you see it?”

He was grinning. Aradia found herself copying the expression at the thought of the suggestion.

Neither of them got candy that day. They did get some bruises – for which they got some ice – and some fries – which _he_ paid for.

While she knew exactly how she got into this situation, it was rather hard to pinpoint how she stayed in it. She was pretty sure she had quite a few good chances to back out. Why hadn’t she?

Sat on a bench at a park not far from her house, holding ice against her side, munching on fries and listening to a story he was telling, it was difficult to see why she wasted time like this. The thrill of the fight _(rising up to the challenge of our rival dun dun dun)_ and the satisfaction of beating someone up only affected her a bit by this point. She wasn’t gonna lie, she liked what was going on. Between letting off steam and free food, she was enjoying herself.

Not to mention free story. Holy shit, was he a good story teller. She wasn’t sure if it was something he’d read, some legend or if he had come up with it himself, but it was interesting as fuck.

It was a tale of four gods who created and destroyed a world only to be stranded in a new one as common mortals. They each went through numerous struggles before they could reunite with one another, forming the square of existence once again. Aradia was positively awed at the details and the excessive foreshadowing and the numerous subplots and the breathtaking descriptions Eridan was giving. And the ending! Oh it was marvelous; one of the gods – the one who had control over time – had managed to surpass reality and exist in duality, appearing as a god in front of the four mortal friends. He had then destroyed existence once again, throwing the square back to their former god conditions and dooming them to repeat the same circle to infinity. Creation, destruction, mortality, godhood.

Just listening to the story was an experience.

By the time Eridan finished, the fries were long gone, the sun had come down and Aradia was, in summary, speechless.

He spoke again after a long pause.

“So did you like it or what?”

“Are you shitting me? That was the best story I’ve heard in my entire life. Where’d you hear it?”

“Oh I didn’t hear it, I made it up.”

She gaped at him. “Is this a joke?”

“No?” he smirked. “Impressed, are we?”

“Of course, you little shit! How long have you been working on it?”

“Well, let’s see, it took like, what, an hour to tell? So I guess it took ‘bout two hours to come up with.”

She blinked few times before she could process the information.

“Okay, now you have to be shitting me.”

“What, is it that hard to believe I can imagine stuff? Your disbelief insults me. I can build up entire worlds in the time it takes you to request stories.”

She raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think I’ll ask anything of you?”

He scoffed, then let a grin appear on his face. “There ain’t a person who’s heard a story a mine an not asked for another one.”

“Ha. I dare to be that person.”

He laughed. When he next looked at her, she didn’t feel the need to say anything. His sight dragged downwards for a moment.

“You, uh, you busy tonight?”

Aradia raised both eyebrows.

“I’ve wasted this much time already, it’s not like it can get any worse.”

“Wanna come over at my place?”

She stood up and took a step away from the bench. He did nothing but follow her with his sight.

“Come again?”

“If I’m not takin’ up too much time outta anythin’ important, I guess I could see to whether you get to stay that person.”

“Do you really think you can just fight me and tell me some story and then you get to do what you want with me?” she said, trying not to raise her voice.

“Woah, hey, nobody said no thin’ about doing stuff. You’re a good listener though, an it’s really gettin’ cold. An I doubt you want me knowin’ where you live, what with the disbelief show an all. I just don’t really wanna part yet, ya know? We can fight again if you want.”

“I don’t want!” she said against her better judgment. “Look, I’m not coming over to some random dude’s house just because he bought me fries and ice, okay?”

“What if someone else was there? You’re friends with Fef, ain’t you?”

She narrowed her eyes in response.

“I can get her to come over too, if you want. You trust her even if you don’t trust me, right?”

It took two calls to convince her – one from Eridan to Feferi and one from Feferi to Aradia.

In retrospect, Aradia should’ve guessed the guy was rich. Feferi had said they’d met in a private school and the rings were more than a subtle giveaway.

But still, Aradia wasn’t expecting to be brought to a mansion. It was a gigantic thing. Feferi was bouncing in excitement when they arrived.

They ended up watching a movie – Eridan and Feferi’s commentary turned into a dialog which was basically two parallel monologues – and playing the most complicated card game Aradia had gotten involved in. She won – ‘out of sheer luck’, Eridan scoffed as Feferi giggled. Aradia threw one of her burnt cards right at Eridan’s face – prompting Feferi to confiscate half her game.

At the end of the night, they exchanged phone numbers and Feferi convinced her second best friend to let her first best friend drive her home.

It wasn’t a quiet trip.

“For the record, I don’t trust you yet. I’m only letting you drop me off because I trust your forgetfulness.”

“Better not, though, I have photographic memory. An I’m also half expectin’ you to get off a block or two away from where you actually live.”

“Well if I wasn’t thinking it before, I certainly am now.”

“Of course”, he smirked.

“Just drop me off at the store.”

“Ya okay.”

“So what’s the deal, though? You didn’t tell another story.”

He gave her a sideways glance. “Are you askin’ for one?”

“No, dipshit.” She smacked his shoulder. “I kinda assumed you were offering them up.”

“You make it sound like it’s an easy thin’.”

 _“You_ make it sound like it’s an easy thing!”

“Well, some a them are”, he said, scratching behind his ear, “Like the one I told you? I sorta winged it. That was easy cause I came up with _eveythin’_ on the spot – the characters, the story, eveythin’. None of it was important to me.”

“What do you mean?” she interrupted.

“Well, after you make some characters and leave them storyless you kinda get attached to them. You want them to be important, to mean somethin’. You want their stories to really turn heads, ya know?”

Aradia hummed in response. She didn’t know, but she saw where he was coming from.

“So yeah, since I improvised on pretty much everythin’ I didn’t really worry about the details an such. I just said what came to mind. An anyway it was only for one person to hear, I wasn’t exactly makin a statement.”

“Wow, I’m flattered.”

“You should be! I could be doin’ actually important stuff in that time!” He made a turn for the store.

“Suuure. Like picking fights with other shorties.”

“Hey it’s not my fault you’re tiny.”

“Your face is what’s tiny!”

“How would _you_ know? ‘S not like you’ve ever reached high enough to see it.”

“Have I mentioned your stutter makes me wanna punch your tongue out?”

“Yes. And you’re fuckin’ welcome to try.” He stopped the car and turned to her.

“What the shit, do you want an actual match?”

“Why, you have somethin’ special in mind?” His eyes dropped from hers, then shot back up.

“Do you?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Well wouldn’t _you_ like to know.”

She swore he did his best to maximize is stutter. So, naturally, she had to shut him up. There was probably a better way of doing it other than sticking her tongue down his throat.

She got home to find two messages.

TA: hey AA you there?

TA: okay what ii2 the lea2t excercii2e ii have to get iin order to buiild up enough muscle to move by my own?

AA: whats the least c0ding i have t0 d0 in 0rder t0 build a game where i m0ve pe0ples h0uses f0r a living

TA: okay poiint taken.

AA: y0u kn0w i will help y0u m0ve

AA: ill be 0ver t0m0rr0w

AA: we discussed this remember

TA: yeah, but ii can’t 2tand the fuckiing noii2e2.

TA: 2eriiou2ly, they’re 2o loud today.

AA: mhm interesting tell me m0re

TA: for 2ome rea2on ii don’t thiink you’re actually iintere2ted.

AA: what c0uld make y0u think that

TA: fiine, 2hutiing up. 2orry.

AA: its 0kay

TA: 2o what’s up over there?

AA: i cant decide whether i sh0uld h0ld the ice 0ver my sh0ulder 0r sides

TA: what.

AA: what

TA: what iice? what’2 goiing on?

AA: i g0t in a fight

TA: what, 2eriiou2ly?

TA: are you hurt?

AA: n0 im just juggling ice f0r fun

TA: fuck, do you need help?

TA: have you called a ho2piital?

AA: s0llux im fine

AA: its n0thing seri0us he was very careful n0t t0 harm me significantly

TA: what the fuck?

AA: i think its g0tten like a thing with us

AA: the fighting

AA: als0 i may or may not have made 0ut with him 0n my way h0me

TA: what

TA: the fuck?

AA: what

TA: are you telliing me you made out wiith a guy who beat you up?

AA: its n0t like that

AA: it was a fair fight he g0t as many bruises as i did if n0t m0re

TA: huh.

AA: were just letting 0ff s0me steam

AA: i t0ld y0u were n0t actually hurting each 0ther

AA: call it sparring if y0u want

TA: well, okay.

TA: a2 long a2 you’re certaiin nothiing i2 wrong

AA: n0thing is trust me

AA: but uh theres 0ne last thing y0u w0uldnt be t00 happy t0 find 0ut later s0 im g0nna tell y0u n0w in 0rder t0 save face

TA: oh fuck ii have a bad feeliing about thii2.

AA: the guy i f0ught is eridan

TA: WHAT THE 2HIIT

The rest of the conversation consisted of yelling, flailing, reassurance and exasperation. Eventually she managed to convince him she was safe and that Eridan was getting his ass kicked.

It was almost a week later that she saw Eridan again. Feferi had planned a _double date._

Sollux was not pleased.

In fact, he kept glaring at Eridan until Feferi would turn his head to her and kiss him. This amused Aradia greatly. Her abs hurt from all the laughing.

They were sitting on a picnic table when Feferi kissed the glare out of Sollux for the sixth time. It was starting to get annoying, as it interrupted the conversation a lot.

“Right”, Feferi said, running a hand up her forehead and through her hair, “as I was saying, I recently found the cutest little camp so I’m looking for company. Would anyone be interested?”

“Well you know I’m in as long as it has actual bathrooms and such”, Eridan said, beginning his response with ‘well’ as he had been all evening (Aradia was convinced he wondered whether his stutter was enough to make her snap at him again).

“Aaand you know I’m out as long as there’s _nature_ involved. Bonus points for ED being involved”, Sollux added.

“Oh, come on!” Feferi tried, leaning heavy on her boyfriend and wrapping an arm around his waist. “It’ll be fun! There’ll be a pool and a forest and all sorts of sports courts and fields and organized expeditions for searching and games-”

“Searching and games you say?” Aradia interrupted.

“Yeah! I’m pretty sure there’s a few treasure hunts and some species hunting or photography contests! Oh, you’ll just love it!”

“Hell yeah!” Aradia raised both hands in the air. “Sollux come on, please?”

“No.”

She did her best puppy dog eyes + pout combination she could pull off. Feferi noticed and copied the face.

“Pretty please with honey on top?” she said, wide eyes shining bright.

“Oh, no, a honey reference, now you have cracked me”, he adopted a mock-defeated expression which quickly changed to a scoff. “No.”

“For me?” Aradia tried. Sollux narrowed his eyes.

Eridan leaned back and moved his arm a bit. Feferi lit up, sprouting upright and smiling at her best friend. By the time Aradia turned to see what it was that Eridan was doing, he was back to his previous position.

Feferi cupped her hand so her mouth was by Sollux’s ear and he leaned to her to listen. A few whispers later, his face was burning hot hot hot and Eridan was laughing so hard he was almost falling off his seat.

“Not fair!” Aradia said. “C’mon I’m the only one who doesn’t know what’s going on, tell me!”

Feferi finished her whisper and added, a bit louder, “...Plus, there’ll be some pretty good wi-fi.”

Sollux buried his face in his hands. Feferi giggled. Eridan shook quietly and slow clapped the mirth out of his body.

“Somebody tell me before I start making really loud and really lewd guesses!”

“Holy shit don’t”, Sollux said, muffled by his hands.

Eridan made a series of noises which was probably his attempt at explaining.

“Stop laughing and tell me already!”

“Yeah?” Laugh. “Wha- whatcha gonna – pfff – whatcha gonna do-” he broke off to laughter.

“Motherfucker I will end you”, Aradia said, poking his arm.

“Let’s fuckin’ go, then!” he said and stood up, continuing his laughing.

Either of the other two should’ve – could’ve – tried to stop them, but neither did.

As the fight went on, Aradia sought high ground on the table, causing Sollux and Feferi to get up and take a few steps back.

Aradia landed a nice, solid kick right at Eridan’s ribs, forcing the air out of him. She could tell the move was thoughtless but went through with it anyway, even though she knew she’d regret it. And she did, because next thing she knew she was knocked on the ground back-first, her lungs giving up on air altogether, Eridan towering over her. Not just towering.

He was doing the anime thing.

Leaning over her, breathing heavily, grinning at his victory. Feferi wolf whistled. Eridan flipped her off for a moment and then moved his hand back by Aradia’s head, because he still couldn’t breathe and he needed to balance himself. Feferi wasn’t discouraged.

“This could be us but you don’t wanna come to the camp”, she said.

“Fine, fucking fine, I’ll go! Happy now?” Sollux responded, raising both his hands.

“I’d be happy if thEY GOT A ROOM WHOA!”

Aradia stopped listening as she occupied herself with Eridan’s mouth.

“OKAY YEAH WE’RE LEAVING” Feferi dragged Sollux off and he probably complained, but still, Aradia barely registered the yelling. She was a little busy.

She had to figure out how to turn Eridan and herself over.

He was way taller and heavier, not to mention currently resting on both elbows instead of hands. Aradia had a second to think he might’ve lowered his center of gravity on purpose before he pulled back and finally let her breathe – no wait scratch that, he moved to her neck.

She lost her train of thought.

When she found it again, she was in his car. She fanned herself with her hand and took a look at herself on the car’s mirror. There was... a surprising lack of marks on her neck. She looked over and, yep, that sure was her lipstick all over _his_ neck – but still no marks. What the hell. She was pretty sure both of them bruised easily enough to have noticeable marks why would-

“Did I miss something?” she pondered out loud.

“Wh- What?” Double the stutter, double the need to yank it out.

“I spaced out- why the hell aren’t there any hickeys on either of us?”

“You said you didn’t want any?” he turned to her for a moment.

“Did I now.”

A pause.

“Okay, you didn’t, but I’m not too thrilled to get a shovel talk when he sees them.”

“I can make Sollux shut up. That doesn’t explain why _you_ don’t have any.” She licked her lips. “Because I don’t think I would’ve passed up the chance.”

“Do you get makeout amnesia or somethin’? I didn’t let you.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Look as much fun as it’d be”, he traced a line from his jaw to his collar bones before rearranging his scarf, “and trust me, it would be _fun_ , I get the feelin’ that you’re the one who’s gonna walk away with this scarf an Fef will tease me all week for any hickey you make.”

“So it’ll displease you to have to deal with that, but the hickey itself would please you.”

 _“Yes.”_ He glanced at her. “Wouldn’t it please _you?”_

She leaned over the middle part and murmured right in his ear. “Wanna find out?”

They found out.

Aradia has never left so many marks on anyone. Seriously, what the hell, she tried to count them and lost track. They held a contest and figured Eridan had more scratches while Aradia had more bite marks. They were about equal on hickeys.

They lay in his bed on their backs. He turned his head to her.

“Do you smoke?”

“Only on occasion. Do you?”

“Nah.” He turned back to the ceiling. “Does this count as an occasion?”

“Sure... You have any smokes around?”

He pointed to the bed stand on her side. She opened the drawer and felt her way around until she found a pack. She took one out.

“Got fire?”

He fumbled a bit, but eventually found a lighter. He lit it up, and she took a long drag. She let it out slowly.

“You know, this is actually the first time someone’s actually smoked after?” he said.

“What, really?” Another drag. “Don’t people know there are three good things in this world?”

“Oh yeah? What are those?”

“A drink before and a smoke after.”

“Yo that was so deep.” He chuckled as she took another drag. “We’ve got two outta three down, not bad.”

“Hey you’re not stuttering as much.”

“Am I not now?” he turned his body and rested his head in his hand, propped up at the elbow. “Why would you say that?”

Every w rolled flawlessly out his throat.

“Oh you mother fucker.” She blew a heavy cloud right in his stupid face. He coughed.

“Rude.”

“Your vile, vile lies are rude.”

“Hey I’m not lyin’. Why the fuck would I lie about a speech impediment? I’ve just worked on it over the years, is all.”

“Vile.”

“Your face is vile”, he stuttered.

“You’re still doing it.”

“Ex _cuse me_ for not payin’ attention to my pronunciation at all times!”

She blew a few smoke rings.

“You are excused.”

She woke up in an unruly mess of limps she was honestly baffled to detangle. But she managed, and he mumbled an almost coherent greeting and a few expletives before she left.

She took the bus to Sollux’s – she wanted to see how he was holding up at his new home. His greeting was very pleasant.

“Why the fuck are you wearing ED’s scarf?”

“Take a wild guess.”

When he took more than two seconds to process it, she lowered said scarf to reveal her numerous fight badges.

“Oh my fuck- I’m gonna murder him.”

“No murdering needed, but hey, if you’re worried about these-” she leaned in, wiggled her eyebrows “-you should’ve seen the other guy.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

By the time she convinced him she’d murder Eridan on her own if necessary, they had each gone through their coffees twice.

“So, what are you two now, anyway?” Sollux asked.

“To be honest, I’m not sure. Fight buddies, definitely. Maybe fuck buddies? I don’t think we’re actually dating. And we haven’t fucked that much, give me some credit.”

“It’s him I’m not giving any credit.”

“Well you do have a point, except he’s got this whole gentleman shit going on.”

“Ah, yes, that’s an outstanding tactic.”

“I know, right? It’s so annoying when he tries to play it up in the middle of a fight.” She was half temped to say in the middle of _what else_ he was playing it up but she decided to take pity on her friend.

“Whatever, I would’ve thought he’d be asking you what you are to each other by the time the first shirt came off. At least that’s what he usually does.”

“How do you know what he usually does?” she raised an eyebrow.

“I- what? No. Forget it, it’s- I mean, I don’t- fuck. I said nothing”, he lisped far more than usual and looked away.

She smirked and raised her other eyebrow, leaning in so close she could rest her head on his shoulder if she were taller. When he looked at her again, she noticed a blush. She wiggled her eyebrows.

“What?” he yelped.

“How do youuu-” she poked his chest “-know what he usually does after the first shirt comes off?”

“I’m pledging the fifth.”

“I’m gonna translate that as ‘I, Sollux Captor, king of all nerd lords, have fucked Eridan Ampora enough times to know what he does “““usually”””.’ Am I wrong?”

“Oh my fuck”, he ran a hand down his face, “is it your life’s mission to make me uncomfortable or what?”

“I’m simply asking for a yes or no answer: am I wrong?”

He didn’t answer for a moment.

“Ehhh, yes and no. It only happened once and I cross-referenced.”

“Oh my god. Oh my g- who did you cross-reference with?”

“FF. And VK, but that was mostly her running her mouth and forcing me to listen.”

“Wait. Hold on. Oh my god”, she covered her mouth, looked around, re-evaluated her life choices. “Oh my god, Feferi and Eridan have fucked?”

“Why are you so surprised?” Sollux looked offended. “Haven’t you and I fucked?”

“Is it a regular thing among best friends? Wait. Him and her have fucked, you and him have fucked, you and her have fucked, oh god, did you guys have a threesome?”

He flushed bright red.

“Let me repeat myself, is it your life’s mission to make me uncomfortable?”

“Maybe, but you still love me”, she said and curled an arm around his waist.

“Of course”, he rested his arm on her shoulders.

“But _did you_ have a threesome.”

“I’m gonna say it was a suggestion at some point and leave it at that.”

“What if I fuck Feferi once, then we’d be down for a foursome.”

“AA NO.”

“Aw, why not? Don’t wanna think of another guy fucking me?”

“Don’t wanna think of _that guy in particular_ fucking you.”

“Cool picture this: we’re on the bed-”

“I’m leaving.”

“Fine, fine, sorry.”

“Well, apology not accepted! Fuck, I’m already picturing it. What have I done to deserve this?”

“The foursome or the possibility of your head exploding due to all that blushing you’ve got going on?”

“Stop. Have mercy.”

“Okay, fine.”

The next fight was interesting. She had taken care to wear sweatpants over yoga pants and the tightest high bun she could manage. She would’ve just worn a tank top but, you see, winter (she wore at least two shirts over it).

To her amusement, he also looked ready to start a war. She couldn’t tell if those were some _really fucking comfortable_ jeans or if they were sweatpants designed to look like jeans, but they looked practical and so on point she felt the need to run a hand up the back of her head to make sure her bun was flawless.

“Nice pants.”

“Thanks for noticin’. Why you lookin’?” he tried not to smirk.

“Juuust checking the goods.” She raised both hands over her head and stretched up high, making sure to let out a soft hum. His attempts at keeping a straight face drove straight off the cliff. “Like the view?” she said, giving him a toothless smile.

“I’d like it better if I could actually see it.”

“Are you saying you don’t like my sweater?”

“I’m sayin’ it’s the ugliest sweater I have seen in my life.”

Aradia laughed right in his face. It was a plain dark red sweater. “No, sorry – pfff – keep – haha – keep going, finish the pick-up line.”

“Who said it was a pick-up line?”

“Oh come on. There are so many good ways to finish this one. You started pretty well, come on.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are there now?”

“Yeah! Like, here. Let me show you how it’s done. You could say it’d look better on the floor or, like, it’s so ugly you want to rip it to pieces, but you know what?” She stood right in front of him – practically on his feet – tilted her head back and snatched off his glasses. “Now you don’t have to look at it.”

He squinted at her for a second before she took the sweater off.

And shoved it right in his face.

She turned on her heels and ran away laughing too much for her own good. She ran down the street and crossed to the other side, up the little hill thing and into the park, through a couple of courts to an indoors basketball court – she sneaked a glance over her shoulder as she opened the door. Eridan looked torn between proving he could catch up without breaking a sweat and moving in the slowest manner possible so he could actually avoid tripping over shit.

She put two fingers in her mouth, whistled, rushed in.

It was warm inside; more important, it was empty. A giant big room of a court, made for exercise, and not a single soul was there! She wondered if she could get him in on a little one-on-one.

She ran to a door over the side of the wall, snuck in and snatched a ball among the many that were there. It bounced decently enough and she wasn’t about to check its air pressure further than that, so she made her way out the tiny room.

Boy did she need to run more often. She was still panting. She closed the door and put the ball down before zipping down and shrugging off her jacket (because yeah, she wore a sweater over a jacket. Sue her). And then crossing her arms and whoops there goes her shirt, whoops there goes the other one. She was down to the tank top and a ¾ black shirt (she preferred layering to heavy thick clothes).

She dumped her removed clothes on the floor and picked up the ball again, and thought _you know what fuck it,_ putting on Eridan’s glasses and cringing at the perception.

Two seconds later he walked in and held the sweater out to her.

“Trade me.”

“Um no, sweetie, I’m not stupid, I’m not gonna trade something useful for that, it’s the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen.”

He somehow managed to squint even harder at her.

“However, I _am_ willing to reconsider if you’re willing to up your stakes.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Is that a ball you’re holdin’?”

“Bitch it might be.” She threw it to his direction so it bounced on the floor before he caught it.

“Just a reminder that I still can’t see shit, by the way.”

She threw the glasses without so much of a heads up. He squinted to impossible levels and caught them, albeit clumsily and nearly tripping himself over. The sweater landed on the floor and the ball bounced towards the wall.

In her very frank opinion, it was the best one-on-one she’d ever played. The height difference was a little hard to work with – especially considering overall body mass, she must’ve been only a little lighter than him.

But damn, oh fuck, sweet Lord. That was the best combination of adrenaline/endorphins _ever._

Not to mention the conversation they had going on. Well, it was more of a competition of who would break down laughing first. With a lot of innuendos. So many innuendos. The sheer amount of innuendos could make even Nepeta blush.

She had maybe scored her second shot (she was losing quite spectacularly) when he just about began rehearsing for his own funeral. Aradia looked at him lying on the floor on his back for no apparent reason for a good while before she gave up on trying to make sense. Instead, she sat down next to him with the ball in her lap.

“You’re horrible at basketball”, he said.

“Against a giant, maybe.” She tried resting the ball on Eridan’s stomach, causing him to breathe more deeply and pointedly to throw her off.

“I’m not a giant, you’re an ant.”

“Fuck you”, she said, one hand holding the ball in place and the other on his chest in an attempt to keep him from breathing.

“What, right now?” he laughed, and the ball rolled off of him, to the wall, and stopped at the pile of Aradia’s discarded clothes.

She eyed the pile and said, “Hell yeah.”

The pile of clothes got taller.

 

**Author's Note:**

> can you fucking believe i didn't post this back when i wrote it bc i thought it was too saucy to be put online, where everyone could read it? wild.


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